. . . . . a look back . . . thru my eyes: Sometimes. . . .

Sometimes when I look back ~ way back ~ I find it hard to discern between then and now. I feel now as I felt as a child.   I am in a place I cannot control and it is worrisome to me ~ to the point of wanting to pack my bags and move on. As the saying goes: "Alone in the crowd." I am. I just realized I have been for a while. I know ~ it sounds like a pity party ~ and, in a sense, it is. I almost feel justified. Almost.

I've been informed that my expectations are too high for some, I expect too much from people. I set standards that are unachievable. And those expectaions make me a miserable person. Perhaps that is correct, perhaps not. I admit I am a perfectionist ~ right down to my core. I cannot help it. It is part of my disfunctionalism. I have tried and tried to let "petty" things go. I know you have to in a family to make it work. But there are things that I can't seem to "overlook", for lack of a better term. That is why I seem to spiral ~ I can't deal with massive amounts of things that have no home ~ yes, some of the homeless junk is mine ~ that I am guilty of ~ it's letting go of it that is my problem, and another whole story in and of itself. I can't deal with excuses why someone can't do something, or lack of responsibility, or tasks left undone. Why someone can't walk the extra 18 inches to put dirty clothes in the hamper, or set a wet glass on a coaster, or pick up 18 pairs of the 20 pairs of shoes and put them in their room ~ do they not sleep there?

I expect when people say they are going to do something that they do it, or at least communicate why they can't.  Continually "dropping the ball" makes me anxious and nuts. Not a good combination. It's akin to breaking a promise in my eyes. I don't deal with excuses as to why someone is incapable of a task when I have seen them do that very thing. If you don't want to do it ~ tell me ~ straight up. I would rather be angry at the moment than stew for days and then burst into flames. It's expected of me, why can't I expect it of you?

As a child I was expected to do as I was told ~ no questions asked. It was my responsibility and I suffered the consequences if I did not. Complete the task, pick up your stuff, help with all the chores, respect your parents and those around you, (even if I didn't feel they deserved it). If I made the mess I cleaned it up. If I made the wrong choice, I suffered the consequence. None of this blame shifting stuff that goes on today. In a nut shell: "You made your bed, you lay in it." It set the standard for my adult life. Good, bad or indifferent.   As I grew it became easier to do it right myself, than to watch someone do it "halfway". Halfway in my eyes meant not concerned with the task at hand and no self satisfaction or pride. Now, I have since learned that there are varying levels of perfectionism. And not everyone values my degree of perfectionism. And that's ok. I can deal with that ~ it is refreshing ~ but usually not in my own home. Sad to say, but it is true. Here again, I try hard not to cave to those impulses. Mostly I succeed, but only for short stints. What I have a hard time with is: why, if you know I suffer this malady, do you attack me for it? I honestly try to "lighten up". It is hard. You will never understand ~ if you choose not to. That is not ok.

My home will never be "perfect". I gave up on this a long time ago. I just want comfort and some resemblance of order. That's all. Not much for someone who could live with everything in it's place, clothes color co-ordinated in the drawers and closets, towels facing the same direction, pillows fluffed to perfection, blinds opened and tilted all at the same level, a perfectly set table, the dishwasher loaded precisely, the pantry organized by product ~ size, color and packaging. Yea, that could be me ~ in my perfect world.

God has a way of giving me reality checks now and then. But what I don't get is: if He knows I am this bad, why doesn't He just fix me? Or am I suppose to fix myself? If so, how? If not, why not? Because I'm not willing to be "imperfect". It's failure in my eyes. It's like letting go of me. The only person I know, and honestly, I don't know me all that well. I do know that the One who created me is a God of order. Just look at the universe and the things around us. What would it be like if He just randomly threw things here or there? I take comfort in that. Knowing that it's ok to want order in my life. To strive for some kind of perfection. I am, after all, made in the image perfection. I can't be that terribly bad, can I?

But I do feel as the perfectionist in my family I am the one expected to do all the changing and compromising.

According to Webster, Compromise is:

a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.